Suffering and Healing From False Love and Low Self Esteem – A Christian Woman’s Perspective

I’m a firm believer that too much false love exists.  I know because I’ve been there. Too many people who are looking for real love are held to
the standards of infatuation or false love.

Too many people who are looking to climb out of their circumstances of low self esteem or insecurities are held to the same standards of low esteem or insecurities.  In other words, people are told to build up others in an effort for them to be built up themselves.  Sadly, they find after a while that many people don’t want to be built.  In other words, do for me first, then that’ll make that person do for you.  Why did this belief get so much traction???

Here are some signs of false love

VICTIM PLAYERS, UGH!!!

There are many people who are affected by low self esteem that ‘love’ to play victim.  One of the reasons that these individuals are good at playing victim is because of the sympathy they get when they play others.  They could be married to an exhausted spouse who’s at their wits end from trying so hard to please them;  companion of a generous friend who’s weary of their mooching; or dead weight to someone whose shoulders are heavy from carrying them.

They’ve mastered blaming their loved ones for their problems.  They’ve mastered making their loved ones feel guilty for holding them accountable.  They’ve mastered being the victim.  They’ve mastered taking from their loved ones; making people feel obligated to help them out; leaving them at zero; making others feel that they have to give to them; and not having one problem with it.  Finally, they’ve mastered making the exhausted spouse, generous friend, or weighed down benefactor feel guilty or at fault for why they are exhausted, weary of the mooching, weighed down, and why they are at zero.  Why???

Because they are getting too much attention being broken.  Why in the world would they change that?  Truly victim players need help with low self esteem.  They need to improve low self esteem.  The thing is, they just will play the victim to make you do all the work.  Additionally, victim players can pretend to be your very best friend.  There is so much deception in false friendships.

MENTORS AND TEACHERS CAN BE FOOLED BY VICTIM PLAYERS

Because of the sympathy that they get from mentors, counselors, teachers, preachers, etc, they are nowhere interested in climbing out of their insecurity pit.   This is because they have a way of blaming others – an exhausted spouse, a generous friend, or a weighed down benefactor – for all of their problems.   The mentors, counselors, teachers, preachers, etc. usually will end up siding with the person that they feel sorry for against the exhausted spouse, generous friend, or weighed down benefactor – against the person who ‘really’ needs help.    They will inadvertently help the insecure individual continue to overstress those who are in their lives by telling the person who’s weary to try harder; give more; making them to feel guilty for trying to get help, etc.   By so doing, they are empowering and enabling the victim-player.  Again, as I mentioned above there is so much deception in false friendships.  Mentors, teachers, preachers, officers can be easily fooled by them.

IF YOU NEED HELP, GET IT.  FOCUS ON ‘YOU’ AND DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT

My dear friend, if you are in love with a false lover, love false friend, or such like, please know that for the most part they are NOT going to change.  If you are being blamed for the help that you seek from mentors, counselors, teachers, preachers, etc, please know that they may not or won’t
immediately see things your way; because they already see you as the bad person.

You may have to find help from a physician, another dear friend, another counselor, teacher, preacher, etc.  Most definitely, you’re going to need help
from God.  I have no problem saying that you might have to do this secretly.  The reason for this is because sometimes people – victim players and the people that they fool – may make you feel that you are wrong for seeking help.  This is because they view that you are making the person who’s actually hurting you look bad.
I have listened to people for years who have no problem ignoring emotional bruises, heartaches, and the fact that the the abused person (I use that term loosely) is falling apart, accuse them of disrespect because they are  making the other person ‘look bad’.  What you’re feeling and what you’re going through has no bearing, or even sympathy, in their minds.

Many people, especially women and children, have had to suffer in silence because they were taught:

  1. That they were being disrespectful to their husbands or parents by mentioning that and what they were suffering.
  2. They were accused of making them look bad in the eyes of others
  3. If they were being taken care of, then they had no right to complain.
  4. They weren’t being good Christians because they weren’t conquering their circumstances.
  5. The spouse could change one day, but you’ve lead to others to permanently look at them the wrong way if you tell what they’re doing.

In other words, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.  Its your fault for what you are suffering because ‘you must have done something’ to cause their bad behaviour against you; and/or you’re wrong for telling what they’ve  done.  As a result, people implode silently. They shut done and wither away silently.  This is why I say you may have to seek help
secretly.

PROFESSIONAL AND COMPASSIONATE HELP

A doctor might determine that you are fighting depression from all of the stress and may prescribe you something to help balance your moods.  They may direct you to a psychologist that will help you to learn strong coping skills.  A dear friend will try their best to understand things from
your perspective.  They won’t be so quick to determine that you’re wrong in the circumstances.  They will see things through your eyes.
The same goes for another teacher or preacher.  The reason I know this is because I’ve been there.  Remember, be careful in finding the right help.  There is so much hurtful help in false friendships.  Be careful.

FINDING HELP IN GOD

Finally, let me mention something about God.  I know that many people are angry with him because they think that he has failed them by allowing such things to come against them.  The failure part is not true.   You see, many people who claim to represent God, do a great job at turning people away from him via bad behavior.

Many people who actually do represent God (people who are good teachers, mentors, preachers, etc.) can be easily fooled by manipulative people.  As a result, many can’t understand if a person hears from God and speaks for Him, how they can be manipulated by a victim player.  They cannot understand how they can’t see who was actually suffering and who’s really in need of help.  They can’t understand why they were persecuted by the person who was supposed to speak for God and be a help.  As a result, many people get angry at God and turn away from him.

My dear ones, please understand that it’s people that you’re angry at.  Not God.  It’s people that you’ve lost confidence in.  Not God.  It’s people who you were fooled by.  Not God.

MY SHORT STORY

Believe me.  I’m not just writing a wonderful piece.  As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been there.  I’ve fallen for false friends.  I’ve fallen for false love.  I begged people who were mentors for help only to find over and over that they felt I was at fault.  It didn’t matter what I did, what I said, what evidence I had to prove that I was hurting.  It and ‘I’ was never enough.

Once I turned my attention away from people, even those who claimed to speak for him, that’s when found the instruction on how to first conquer my low self esteem.  Then I found the strength to conquer others that wanted to latch on to me and hold me down.  Guess who taught me one on one how
to conquer?  You guessed it.  God Himself.

I stopped trying to run for help to those who were fooled by victim players and ran to God.  He’s the one who taught me about low self esteem; victim playing; infatuation vs love; how manipulation works; the difference between a good friend and a bad friend; how to stop running after people to find my own self worth.  The list goes on and on.

The instruction on how to climb my mountain came from his mouth; and the direction for what path to go down came from his hand.

FINALLY

Additionally, now I do not regret my path; because, if I never walked down this path, if I never experienced what I experienced, then I would never have learned that and how people are hurting.  I never would have seen it through their eyes and perception.  I never would have learned compassion; and I never would have learned how to help people climb out of their pits.

I hope there’s something said above that can help you if you need it.

Please feel free to comment below.  I’d love to hear from you.

BTW, I’m knew to writing and taking classes.  As time progresses my writing and the way that I bring out points will improve.

Let’s learn to say “Farewell False Love.”

Please FOLLOW and like us:

12 Comments

  1. That is called ‘hitting the nail on its head’ Bang on! Often people fall in love with the attention the sympathy they get from all around when they become a victim of a sad situation and they start playing the victim forever. They do not realise that they are falling way beyond being saved by anyone. God also helps those who are willing to help themselves. If you do not want happiness, no power on earth can provide you with it. It is all within you.

  2. Wow. I know I have low self-esteem but it is from years of being told I was not worth anything, and then it just perpetuates. Some of the people that made me feel the most were at Church to the point I stopped going. I felt so downtrodden. I have very few friends and those i only see a few times a year due to distance and busy lives. I have isolated myself more and more because then I don’t get hurt. I just can’t find where I belong in the world.

  3. There’s a lot of valuable information in here that I think most of us could benefit from internalizing.

    I especially like the part about recognizing that accepting help for our problems/shortcomings doesn’t have to be a shameful thing. In the long run it’s usually for the best even though we might have to let go of some of our pride.

    Great post!

    Dom

  4. Excellent article on how the victim mentality works, and how it affects others. Your point about turning away from people, and turning to God is a very profound one. I had a similar experience in my own life, but that’s another story. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. Thank you for this. I have just recently been able to break away from a false friend, and the longer I am away the more I recognize just how false it really was.

    I am glad that you are writing about such topics, and keep it up 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*