So depression is a concern?
Depression is a thing?
When did we actually start caring?
We're still interested in helping people with depression?
That's nice! That's really honorable! However many people are under the mistaken impression that depression is something new?
I've heard people say that they were taken aback when people committed suicide. People are all shocked. They say they didn't know that the person was suffering.
With this writing is going to speak to ‘my experience’. In other words, this is my experience with depression. I’m going to speak regarding a synopsis of how I was feeling.
So you say that you didn't know that the person was suffering from depression? Well, let me tell you how I ended up suffering depression. Let me tell you what I remember:
I remember crying out to you for help, and you give me a whole song and dance about everything that ‘I’ needed to do to pull myself up and out. I was under so much oppression, so how in the world could I pull myself up and out. That’s why I came to you.
I remember coming to you when I was so hurt by the condition of my personal life, and you called me weak, emotional, disrespectful, and/or the problem.
I remember having some emotionally verbally and abusive friends. You told me that perhaps I could help them, but when I tried and they steamed rolled back on me, at me you blamed me. You told me to try to help them; but when I DID, it all ended up my fault.
I remember having an emotionally verbally mentally abusive spouse. I told you how “I” was suffering behind closed doors with that person. You told me they needed help. I had to work on them. I had to give them my love and respect because they were, of course, my spouse, and as a result, they were deserving of it. But I had to earn mine. I had to earn my love. I had to earn my respect.
You explained away the hurtful things that they said and did. But when I told you how fed up and angry I was, you said I was the problem.
Finally, I decided to tell you how frustrated I was with the one-sided treatment. Even at that time, I didn't know that I was dealing with anything abusive with my spouse, loved ones, and friends. However, I knew that I was dealt with unfairly. I remember wanting to feel validated, and you said: “then what”.
I remember communicating to you how I was tired of giving to people who love stepping on you. I told you that I was weary with having to be less than who I was so that someone else (especially men) could feel bigger. Do you remember what your great advice was? You told me I had a problem. Even if you were right (which you weren’t) by saying that I had a problem, you didn't even ask me if I needed help. You left me in my frustration, pain, and anger.
You looked away from what was happening to me personally. You developed an opinion that I was disrespectful with no evidence except me expressing that I was frustrated. That was your evidence – your only evidence – that I was disrespectful. But you looked away from the actual evidence of what my spouse and other friends were doing.
You were my counselor, my friend, my teacher, my mentor but ultimately it was not your concern.
Several years ago, I finally shut down. Since it needs to be expressed, why then don’t I'll tell you. You never helped me. Whenever I came to you, you made excuses for the people hurting me. However, I had no excuse for being hurt. I had no excuse for being stressed. I had no excuse for being tired.
I was held at a higher standard.
Later, I made it clear that I no longer felt comfortable talking to you and you were so confused as to why. I told you that I held so much anger in my heart toward you and you explained it all way. I told you that I felt that you had treated me unfairly, and it ended our friendship.
Why would I continue to come to you when all you did was blame me for how I was feeling; expressing that I was hurting; and for someone else's bad actions?
Why would I continue to come to someone that along with my so-called family and friends loves to throw stones of blame?
Why would I continue to come to you when you seemed to pleasure stepping on my feelings?
I realized you weren’t on my side.
It was then that I knew – that God showed me – that I was going through depression. Me not knowing much about depression I thought it was a one-time thing. However, my symptoms got worse. I remember being so afraid to come and talk to you because no matter how bad things that you were going to blame me. You were hardly ever saw my side.
It was months and some years that I crawled through.
A few months ago a friend told me that based on my symptoms it looks like I have what's called seasonal depression. I made the decision to go to the doctor to get that checked out. However, because of fear, I canceled my appointment three times before I drag myself there.
Once there, finally for once as I begin to express to a professional what I was going through, I had a professional that actually listened to me. I had a professional that I actually believed me. You were supposed to be the professionals. At least I thought so.
I look at myself and now I'm happy. But I laugh. I take pills for
depression. I think about everything that I had gone through; how I tried to reach out for help; how I tried to plead with you all for help; but you look the other way. Didn't intervene. You were preachy. You wanted to seem so wise. But you were so brutal.
And now I'm concerned. Let me help you out with something else:
Again speaking to my own experience, people who suffer depression can be some extremely popular people. But they know what it feels like to be loved for what they have and not for who they are.
Some people who suffer depression can be extremely giving people, and they know what it’s like to be used.
They know what it feels like to be loved for what they can provide for a person, again, not for who they are.
They're all fine well and good as long as everything is fine. As long as they're keeping everyone else around them fine, looking good, and happy. But what happens when they're not happy. Do the same people run to their aid when they’re down and wounded?
As my counselors and so-called friends, you told me to run to the aid of those who needed me. You said they'd run some mine as a form of reaping, but they didn’t.
However the funny thing is people who are depressed are stressed, they feel undervalued, they feel underappreciated, they began to feel as if they don't matter.
When I spent my time in counseling with you, I came to know that I didn't matter. You told me to put out so much effort to people around me. However, you never told those people to do the same for me.
So it kind of amazes me that people are now surprised to find that their favorite individuals suffer depression. It kind of amazes me that people want to jump on the “let's help people who are depressed bandwagon”.
It really surprises me when people say that they didn't know that certain individuals were suffering from depression. My question is why did you not know? Did they tell you? Didn’t you listen?
Looking the other way is not the same as not knowing. Not taking something seriously is not the same as not knowing. Not valuing a person’s suffering is not the same as not knowing. Many of us did know, it was just easier to not get involved.
Now, depression is a problem. Now suicide is a problem.
People just don’t want to get involved. You just didn’t want to get involved.