Letter From A Controlling Spouse

Letter From A Controlling Spouse

Inside The Mind Of A Controlling Individual

My Dear Lovely Spouse:

I love you because you’re awesome, quite accomplished in many areas, and not like me.

I hate you because you’re awesome, quite accomplished in many areas, and not like me.

I hate you because I don’t feel awesome, I’m not quite accomplished, and I’m not like you.

Therefore, while I do love the positives about you, I can’t continue to let you flourish. To do so would lift you further up while I sink further down. So I know what I’ll do.

I’ll bring you down to my level. No! Lower than my level. I’ll remove any reason for you to feel good about yourself.

I’ll talk about you positively to others so they won’t, at all, get suspicious about who I am. By the time they listen to your side of the story, they won’t believe you.

I’ll constantly keep you off balance by being nice to you today and aloof and critical tomorrow. You’ll never know what’s coming.  That’ll make you feel like you’re going crazy.

I’ll make you feel like all of the problems inside of our relationship are your fault. I’ll make you feel and believe that if you just improve, everything will improve. Little do you know, although you’re great, you will never be good enough to me.

You see, the problem is not you. It’s me. I’m the one that’s not happy with me. However, if I make you feel as good as you really are, maybe you’ll realize that you’re too good for me. Perhaps you’ll leave me and then I’ll really be alone.

So this is all just a short term goal to keep you in check and with me. I don’t allow my mind to reflect on you ever being free of me. You see, if you start to pull away, then I’ll just become super nice. I’ll allow you to believe that all of your good work is paying off. That’ll buy enough time for you to let your guard down again.

If that doesn’t work; if you have the audacity to get tired of my games and see who I really am and what I’m really doing, then it’s no holds barred. I’ll squeeze you until you break by becoming super difficult; super uncooperative; and super critical.

I won’t work with you on family goals. I’ll give you the impression that I am by agreeing to one thing and do another behind your back. I’ll let you find out at the most inconvenient of times. While I’m doing all of this, I’ll be striving constantly to make you believe that you’re the problem spouse and the problem parent. I’ll do this by standing over your shoulder and magnifying your every mistake.

This is all an effort to cover my blaring low self esteem.

Oh, and before I end this letter I wanna put out a strong warning: Don’t you even think about trying to get outside help. I’ll make you sorry that you ever did.

There was an internet meme that says, “Some people don’t wanna be healed. They get too much attention being broke.” That’s me. For the longest time most of our family and friends will see me as the victim and you as the problem. That’ll keep you in your place for a long while. You’re unhappiness will mean little to me.

As I mentioned above, I’ll be the sweetest thing to our family and friends. However, if one of them happens to believe you; if one of them tries to come to me to give me some helpful advice; if one of them tries to put in a hand to help you, then I’ll pretend to be the sweet spouse that just wants a good relationship and marriage.

But behind closed doors I’ll make sure that you suffer for making me look bad in front of our family and friends. I’ll make you suffer for trying to show them who I really am. By the time I'm done everyone will think it's you.

Anyway, I really do love you as much as my limited heart can allow. You see, my love, or lack of love, for you is as much as I love myself. Truly, I don’t know what real love is and I won’t let you show me. If I did, then I’ll have to confront the real me and it’s by far easier (and more fun) to control you.

However, should the inevitable happen and our friends and family see me for who I really am, it just might be too late for you. You won’t really trust anyone because you’ll think everyone’s like me. You won’t feel comfortable opening up to any one because when you did everyone say you as the problem.

The bravest thing you can do is reach out for help. Text us on your own time and get 20% off.

You’ll probably just end up shutting down. Even if you do get free of me, chances are that you’ll end up feeling like damaged goods and no one else will want you. That’s how I’ll strive to make you feel.


Your Low-Self Esteem and Controlling Spouse

Lane OnSon is a writer and contributor to What They Hardly Warned us About.

Feel free to comment below. I welcome the exchange.

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  1. Wow I can really relate to this. You just described my partner’s narcissist ex! She totally controlled him for 10 years but finally, he left her. She even told him “You will never find anyone else like me!”
    But karma has finally caught up with her in many ways. She still can’t stand seeing him happy and moving on with his life. But thankfully he is finally free of her lies and manipulative behaviour.
    A very well written post, thank you.

  2. Wow, this person sounds like a real psychopath. It’s hard to believe that somebody as intelligent a the person portrayed in this article would even stay with such a person, but they do. I’ve done it myself so do not judge, but it’s still had t hear it.

    But as broken as I was at the time, I will never let that person ruin my life. No; they have only made me stronger and more determined to become the most successful person I can possible be, and for that I can do a little victory smile inside because I know that that person really cannot understand how I have recovered so well. Guess they picked on the wrong person!

    It’s great you are casting alight on these weak people Lane, I love it 🙂

  3. Hello Lane,
    This really sounds like something my ex-husband would’ve written me. I’m sure he thought this way, by his actions and verbal abuse. He did exactly this way, when I was preparing to leave him, he starting being nice and begging me to stay. He even allowed himself to cry once or twice and it worked for many years. I finally realized they never change. It was like a roller coaster ride with him. He would get you up and happy just in time to bring you down and under again.
    He blamed my parents for our problems a lot and kept me away from them. He blocked their number from our phone and threatened to rig their car up so that it would explode when they cranked it, if he caught me talking to them. He knew they were on to him and were trying to get me to see it too. I didn’t see or talk to my mom for 3 years and she was only 45 minutes away!
    Wow!! I’m so glad I made it out of that relationship!
    Thanks for sharing this! People need to know this is real situations.

  4. Dang. DANG. That was biting. Poignant and warranted in the display of words, yet biting. This was so eloquently written. Honestly, I was in a pretty good but short term relationship as a teen, but as I grew up I noticed so many issues with other couples that formed around, whether young or older adults. And this scathing problem does come up. Including the feeling that you won’t be let out of it safely because the significant other in question will raise hell. I’m thinking I should bookmark this for whenever I see something in this situation and trying to justify it to protect themselves from the real issue.

  5. Thank you for this insight. I lived it for many many years the “frog in the slow heating water”. More people need to see this. No matter how independent and strong you are it can happen to you.

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