Inside The Mind Of A Controlling Individual
My Dear Lovely Spouse:
I love you because you’re awesome, quite accomplished in many areas, and not like me.
I hate you because you’re awesome, quite accomplished in many areas, and not like me.
I hate you because I don’t feel awesome, I’m not quite accomplished, and I’m not like you.
Therefore, while I do love the positives about you, I can’t continue to let you flourish. To do so would lift you further up while I sink further down. So I know what I’ll do.
I’ll bring you down to my level. No! Lower than my level. I’ll remove any reason for you to feel good about yourself.
I’ll talk about you positively to others so they won’t, at all, get suspicious about who I am. By the time they listen to your side of the story, they won’t believe you.
I’ll constantly keep you off balance by being nice to you today and aloof and critical tomorrow. You’ll never know what’s coming. That’ll make you feel like you’re going crazy.
I’ll make you feel like all of the problems inside of our relationship are your fault. I’ll make you feel and believe that if you just improve, everything will improve. Little do you know, although you’re great, you will never be good enough to me.
You see, the problem is not you. It’s me. I’m the one that’s not happy with me. However, if I make you feel as good as you really are, maybe you’ll realize that you’re too good for me. Perhaps you’ll leave me and then I’ll really be alone.
So this is all just a short term goal to keep you in check and with me. I don’t allow my mind to reflect on you ever being free of me. You see, if you start to pull away, then I’ll just become super nice. I’ll allow you to believe that all of your good work is paying off. That’ll buy enough time for you to let your guard down again.
If that doesn’t work; if you have the audacity to get tired of my games and see who I really am and what I’m really doing, then it’s no holds barred. I’ll squeeze you until you break by becoming super difficult; super uncooperative; and super critical.
I won’t work with you on family goals. I’ll give you the impression that I am by agreeing to one thing and do another behind your back. I’ll let you find out at the most inconvenient of times. While I’m doing all of this, I’ll be striving constantly to make you believe that you’re the problem spouse and the problem parent. I’ll do this by standing over your shoulder and magnifying your every mistake.
This is all an effort to cover my blaring low self esteem.
Oh, and before I end this letter I wanna put out a strong warning: Don’t you even think about trying to get outside help. I’ll make you sorry that you ever did.
There was an internet meme that says, “Some people don’t wanna be healed. They get too much attention being broke.” That’s me. For the longest time most of our family and friends will see me as the victim and you as the problem. That’ll keep you in your place for a long while. You’re unhappiness will mean little to me.
As I mentioned above, I’ll be the sweetest thing to our family and friends. However, if one of them happens to believe you; if one of them tries to come to me to give me some helpful advice; if one of them tries to put in a hand to help you, then I’ll pretend to be the sweet spouse that just wants a good relationship and marriage.
But behind closed doors I’ll make sure that you suffer for making me look bad in front of our family and friends. I’ll make you suffer for trying to show them who I really am. By the time I'm done everyone will think it's you.
Anyway, I really do love you as much as my limited heart can allow. You see, my love, or lack of love, for you is as much as I love myself. Truly, I don’t know what real love is and I won’t let you show me. If I did, then I’ll have to confront the real me and it’s by far easier (and more fun) to control you.
However, should the inevitable happen and our friends and family see me for who I really am, it just might be too late for you. You won’t really trust anyone because you’ll think everyone’s like me. You won’t feel comfortable opening up to any one because when you did everyone say you as the problem.
You’ll probably just end up shutting down. Even if you do get free of me, chances are that you’ll end up feeling like damaged goods and no one else will want you. That’s how I’ll strive to make you feel.
Your Low-Self Esteem and Controlling Spouse
Lane OnSon is a writer and contributor to What They Hardly Warned us About.
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