He Was Weak But We Are The Ones Who Failed


The Fruit Company

This is the type of stuff that many never wanted to talk about because we were so afraid it would hurt ‘his' feelings.

We admonished the women who cried out for help due to the bad behavior they were suffering in the home.

When they told what was happening, we accused ‘them' of trying to make ‘him' look bad.

We told her that maybe it was ‘her' doing something wrong to bring the bad behavior on herself.

We depended on ‘her' to make ‘him' better.

We made him the victim.

We believed there were reasons for his bad behavior. It was understandable.

We dismissed her pain because she should be stronger.  She should be the bigger person.  She should stop being so difficult.
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Maybe if she would stop being ‘the problem', things would get better.

Maybe if she would ‘fix herself up a little.

She got married and completely let herself go.

She said it's because she was unhappy; but we knew the truth.  She's just being lazy.

She said her weight gain was because she was falling into depression.  Of course, that's just her excuse.

We ignored her cries for help.

We ignored her pain.

We ignored her tears.

We ignored the burden she carried.

We ignored the weight on her shoulders that was crushing her down.

It didn't matter. She was just being emotional. Right?

He's the one that matters.

He needs help.

If she would just be about her business as a wife and do her job, she'd be happy.

We wished she would just stop complaining.

However, we never considered (or cared) what piece of her would be left once he decided to get his act together.

However, we never considered (or cared) what his bad behavior and our ‘looking the other way' did or was doing to her until it was too late.
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Now, with our growing knowledge of narcissism, passive aggression, misogyny, misandrist, sociopath, low self-esteem traits and some psychopaths, we can't look her in the face.

Now, we can't admit that we were accomplices to the damage that was done to her and/or her children.

Now, we defend our positions.  Instead of being humble or apologetic, we explain away why we looked the other way.
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We pretend to not understand why she doesn't need us anymore.

We don't want to remember that we condemned her for needing our help.

She pleaded for our help.

Now, we pretend not to understand why she doesn't want our advice.

But we know that we lost her confidence.

We lost her trust.

In an effort to save him, we lost her.

Who are we?

We are possibly the friends, family, preachers, teachers, mentors, employers, law enforcement, judicial system that made up a support team. Except, we failed to support the one who needed our help.

-Tisha Jones

The Fruit Company

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17 Comments

  1. Hi Lane, this is really poignant and very well written. Unfortunately I was once one of those women, like so many, who was in an abusive relationship and now I understand completely why women stay. Before it happened to me personally I would of been inclined to say things like ‘why doesn’t she just leave if it’s that bad?’. But you can’t just leave; you have no confidence left and you think you deserve it and it’s all your fault.

    I have much sympathy for those in this situation, luckily for me I had a strong network of friends and family around me to support me when I did leave but not everybody has that. That got me through, and now, over 10 years later I am finally in a position to even want to thanks the guy. That experience has made me the strong person that I am today and I have no negativity left towards him. I have now turned that pain to my advantage so it’s onwards and upwards for me (probably the opposite for him, but I no longer care). There can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

    • I really can’t say anything on your comment. It was totally great and hit various nails on the head. Not everybody has a great support system. Some people are not aware of how to even be a support.

  2. Hmmmm, I’m speechless when I still read stories like this one.
    I thought these stories could only be watched in the movies, but it seems otherwise… SMH.
    If the woman decides to leave with her kids, the children will be laughed at for being from a broken home.
    And if the woman decides to stay, she will never be happy.
    What then do you think is the ideal solution to this problem?

    • Hi Pearl,

      As you can see, I often speak to support systems. Women need strong support systems that would allow them to leave. You see, when a women leaves, she’s vulnerable. That makes her more adapt to get involved with another bad apple. Women need the support system that I mentioned in the article to surround her, but unfortunately people in the legal system and church who hold high positions are men. Men sadly, have a horrible tendency to turn a blind eye to woman’s issues. That’s because they are dealing with their own low-self esteem issues. Unfortunately, some of these men hide behind positions to valid themselves. Women are not important to them. They are only something to possess. Therefore when she cries for help, she is ignored.

      The ideal solution for this problem is a strong system of support.

  3. You’ve hit the nail on the head here, Lane. A weak man is a man who will abuse a woman, not any woman, his own woman. He has to belittle her to feel powerful. He is in fact insecure and he’s angry at himself more than he is at her. He takes it out on her.
    Great read.

  4. Excellent and informative article. It is very well written. I remember the days when it was never talked about. I also remember the adults whispering about it behind closed doors. I was always led to believe that it wasn’t our business. The same thing went on with child abuse as well. It truly is sad.
    And yes, these women need a support system.
    Laura

    • You are absolutely right, Laura. In addition, women who speak up are considered ‘crazy’, ’emotional’, and ‘disrespectful’. At least that’s what was said to me. Anyhoo, it’s my goal to speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves.

      Great comment.

  5. Hello Lane,
    You have a beautiful mind and so true to your words! I just love reading your articles and following you on YouTube and FB! You obviously have a really big heart and care about others!
    I’ve been through so much in my life, a lot concerning bad relationships, some I asked for and some I didn’t.
    I once thought I had a best friend I could fall back on, but unfortunately my EX-Husband was more her friend than I was.
    I ran to her (my best friend) with my baby daughter who had been beaten with a belt and red stripes on her legs by my ex husband, all because she accidently forgot to use the toilet. She was 3 years old and NOT his!
    When I left him, I had a lot of hatred to deal with. It seemed like everyone was on his side and I was the bad one in the relationship.
    Then my life got worse when he killed himself, because it was my fault since I left him. It was my fault he beat my youngest child and myself! It was my fault he raped my oldest daughter! It was all my FAULT!
    Now, 16 years later, I know that none of it was my fault other than marrying his stupid “Butt”! and that’s putting it nicely.
    I just wish other women would open up and listen to the ones that have experienced these kinds of relationships.

    3 GREAT THINGS happened to me when he was out of the picture:
    1 – I lost 20 pounds in 2 months!!
    2 – I found the love of my life, my best friend, my everything! In a normal relationship.
    3 – My daughters both survived the bad times and are happy and healthy!

    Thanks so much for being you!

    Devara

    • Devara,

      I’m so overwhelmed reading your story. I know the ‘MY FAULT’ story all too well. No matter what the other person does, it’s always the victim’s fault. I just can’t believe what women go through and how friends and family look the other way.

      Raped your oldest daughter???? Did the authorities get involved? Did he go to jail? Please tell me he did.

      I’m glad you’re free and doing well in your life.

      • My daughter finally broke and had to talk. She had saved tons of letters from him that told it all. The police got involved and he was found guilty and going to be put in prison. He came up missing for 2 days. They found him in his own woods dead; shot in the head. He killed himself! He took the easy way out!

        • Devara,

          Your experience is so sad. I’m so glad it’s over. I hope that you and your daughter found healing.

          BTW, I’m a Christian that believes in Heaven and hell. Believe me, the way he chose wasn’t easy. He can only wish now that he would have taken jail.

  6. Hi!
    Very good article, not a thing to forget once you read it. The story is very touching. I think this is a topic which shouldn`t be hidden and there should be more public discussions about it. I hope this will be helpful for other women who have simmilar problems.
    thank you for sharing this

  7. Speaking from personal experience, I believe many battered people have low self esteem and so tend to believe the abuser and what they say instead of trusting in themselves. And I also believe that abusers have the same problem, and abuse because it gives them a feeling of power…something they sorely lack in the rest of their lives.
    And I think this goes for both men and women, because there are plenty of women who are verbally and emotionally abusive to spouses and children.
    And, the people who stand by and do nothing because they do not know what to do also have low self esteem…low enough to stand back instead of standing up.
    I guess what the world needs is more love…love of self and love of others. Great post!

    • You are right on so many levels. I agree that those who stand back and watch have low self-esteem. I totally agree with that.

      Thanks for the comment.

  8. The saddest thing about your post is that, this is a reality that a lot of people regardless of sex, age and race is facing. Abuse is so common, that it became a “part of society”.

    And yes, I totally agree with you, the abuser is the one who is weak. He covers his/her weakness by hurting the person closest to him/her.

    Another interesting post.

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