Sometimes when we as support systems (parents, friends, mentors, preachers, teachers, law enforcement, legal system) have to help others deal with any type of emotional pain, I truly believe that we forget who the victim really is.
Dealing with toxic behavior and dealing with toxic people can truly knock the wind out of you. Toxic people know how to pretend to be super nice and super sweet publicly, but these people are ultra-deceptive. They know how to make you bend to their whims.
In addition, sometimes I think we forget that emotional abuse in marriage is on a high – especially in Christian marriages. Emotional abuse has sadly hidden safely behind the walls of many Christians homes. The reason for this is because many people see the abusers as the victim and thus encourage the abused to change for and change the abusers.
Toxic people and abusers DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. They accomplish what they want and need to accomplish by pretending to be the victim. As a result, the abused person suffers terribly and often in silence.
Enter this list.
Here’s a word or two to support systems who call themselves helping those who are abused or in pain. This is a small list for you:
- Tips to help people in emotional abuse
- Let you know that emotional abuse in marriage exists
- To help you to help those who are dealing with toxic behavior
- To help people dealing with toxic people wherever they are
Basically this list reminds you to remember compassion and those who you are supposed to be helping.
Don’t tell people to ‘get over’ their issues. Show them or tell them HOW to do it.
Don’t persecute people for being sad, distraught, or hurt over their issues. By so doing, helps toxic people hurt their victims further. You see, they (the victim) are already hurting by what they are going through from an abusive individual. How do you think you are helping them by belittling their pain?
Don’t penalize people for stating how they really feel about their issues and situation. Listen, aren’t you supposed to be a support? If they can’t tell you; if you reprove them for doing so, how are you helping? Where can they go to express their frustration? Needless to say, they can’t do it to the person that they are hurting over. They don’t listen; and, they are also manipulative.
Stop blaming victims for being victims. You’re like the person who blames a woman for being raped while excusing the rapist. And on that note:
STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE ABUSIVE OR TOXIC INDIVIDUAL. I or anybody shouldn’t have to explain this. People who are wounded don’t care about the plight of the person who wounded them. They are looking for justice, compassion, and freedom from the pain. They are looking for someone to stand up for them. While you’re sitting there explaining away the wrongdoer’s actions, you are telling the hurting individual that their pain isn’t as bad or bad enough. How do you think you are helping? How do you think they feel?
Listen, toxic/abusive individuals can tell if they have an advocate in you as opposed to a victim.
They can see that they remain blameless regardless of what they do. As a result, they push their limits with their victim. If no one intervenes to stop them or help the victim, they keep going further and further. They know that you are buying into their victim playing.
Stop it. Just stop it. Reexamine who are really helping.
No one person has all of the answers. There's nothing wrong with getting help for someone in need. Let them get help on their own terms.
Tisha Jones is a writer and page owner of What They Hardly Warned us About.